Category: Rest

MaryEllen Montville

_{In Loving memory of our Mother, Edna Dennis}

“…Do they think they can build the wall in a single day by just offering a few sacrifices? Do they actually think they can make something of stones from a rubbish heap—and charred ones at that?” –Nehemiah 4:2

Rebuild? Move forward? How, Lord? My strength is gone. My thoughts are fractured and muddy. My heart is little more than rubble—pieces charred by this searing inferno of grief.

My mother is gone!

But You know that—You took her Home!

Yes, I know, in Your mercy, You answered my prayers—our prayers, that she might not suffer any longer, and I thank You for answering us, but if You will, answer me this as well:

What am I supposed to rebuild from this giant heap of pain? “Partner with Me,” You say. Give You my heart? Yes, that’s right! Rebuilding, reshaping, New Life, only You can do that. Only You breathe life into what’s dead—reviving it.

Only You know my end from my beginning.

But what can You build with charred rubble? “And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter: so he made it again another vessel, as seemed good to the potter to make it.” –Jeremiah 18:4.

These thoughts raced through my head as I read Nehemiah, Chapters Three and Four. I knew the Holy Spirit was telling me it was time to rebuild. After all, He was the One who had just spoken to my heart, nudging me to read His Words.

He said He would use all the broken pieces of the last season, things that appear defunct, to build a new foundation—start a new chapter, just as He did for those who have gone before me. Our Father is faithful like that. He doesn’t play favorites.

So what do you do when someone most dear to your heart is taken away?

When you feel feeble, raw, and exposed—at your most vulnerable?

When God takes back the very one He used to bring you into His world? To deliver you into the life He had mapped out for you from before the foundation of the world? When everything inside of you is silently screaming in pain so thick and exacting that breathing becomes a chore—as does everything else.

Like Job, you mourn, howl, question, sob, and then wait for God to rebuild: one trusting step at a time. “The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” –Job 1:21.

You do the next thing.

In your own power? Not a chance. You have nothing left.

You rebuild by grabbing hold of God’s outstretched Hand so tightly that fusion happens, complete Oneness—absolute surrender. Then, from the bond forged between you, welded together by love and trust, you allow His Holy Spirit to lead, as is your privilege. You let Him place one of your feet in front of the other—in His good time, inching you closer and closer to your life’s purpose—reflecting the image and likeness of His Son, our Lord, Jesus. “But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord.” –2 Corinthians 3:18.

You allow God to use the rubble of your broken heart. Seared and scared by grief so deeply rooted in your bones, it feels as if any attempt at removing it might cause your foundation to collapse. And collapse it must—because God is doing a new thing. “That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.” –Romans 8:28.

Hear me, please. I do not profess to understand how God accomplishes all of this—that’s far beyond my ability to comprehend. Neither can I say that it feels good as He’s working things together for my good, but what I can say with absolute confidence is this: I serve a Good, Good Father whom I do not need to understand in full to know that He loves me—loves all those called by His Holy name. “So I run with purpose in every step. I am not just shadowboxing.” –1 Corinthians 9:26.

I trust Jesus.

I choose to place the total weight of my faith, every sliver of my now-broken heart, into His Omniscient, Omnipotent, nail-pierced Hands.

My faith in my Father, more, His overwhelming love for me demands that of me.“Have you ever come on anything quite like this extravagant generosity of God, this deep, deep wisdom? It’s way over our heads. We’ll never figure it out. Is there anyone around who can explain God? Anyone smart enough to tell him what to do? Anyone who has done him such a huge favor that God has to ask his advice? Everything comes from him; Everything happens through him; Everything ends up in him. Always glory! Always praise! Yes!” –Romans 11:33-36.

When will this fog lift? I cannot say. Only God knows.

When will I see this new thing, the new version of myself Jesus is bringing forth, the beauty springing up from the ashy cinders of my heart? I don’t know. Soon. Whatever that means.

In the meantime, I will do the next thing while God rebuilds using whatever remains.

I will worship, pray, and praise God’s precious Name; I’ll serve Him because these are the fruits of a new creation. Byproducts birthed in me by His Holy Spirit. Because He lived, died and rose again on the third day my old man has passed away; my new man knows only Jesus, His amazing grace and mercy-full love. “For I made the decision to know nothing [that is, to forego philosophical or theological discussions regarding inconsequential things and opinions while] among you except Jesus Christ, and Him crucified [and the meaning of His redemptive, substitutionary death and His resurrection].” –1 Corinthians 2:2.

Still, I’ll ask your forgiveness for any scrape or bruise I may cause as God’s Holy Spirit continues His work in me, repairing the charred rubble in this season of new beginnings, and I’ll turn to Jesus, in faith knowing, “As soon as I pray, you answer me; you encourage me by giving me strength. You reach out your hand, and the power of your right hand saves me. The Lord will work out his plans for my life—for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever. Don’t abandon me, for you made me.” –Psalm 138:3;7-8.

Beloved of God, I know sharing the news of my mom’s passing with you is personal. But you’re family. You are my brothers and sisters in Christ. And so I trust because of this, you will pray for me and my family as we walk through this valley of the shadow of death—and we will. I, for one, have staked my life on this Truth.

And please say yes, you whom God is wooing, calling to Himself—to become His child—my new brother or sister. I need you; we, the Body of Christ, need you. We need what only you have to offer us all. “Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, but one body.” –1 Corinthians 12:12;18-20.

“If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For one believes with the heart and so is justified, and one confesses with the mouth and so is saved.” –Romans 10:9-10.