Stephanie Montilla

“For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God” – 1 Corinthians 1:18.

It was June of 2009, and every few minutes, I peeked through the auditorium to see if there were open seats available for when my family would arrive. Dominican families have struggled to be punctual for events, that at this point, it’s been accepted as a cultural norm. I was anxious about their arrival and worried they would miss most of the ceremony. Patiently waiting in an uncomfortably warm foyer while wearing a cap and gown sure didn’t help with my internalized bundle of nerves, especially since I was asked to deliver a speech. My mind was in disarray from reading over my speech lines, wrestling with my gown in the muggy air, engaging in sidebar conversations while anxiously waiting for my family’s arrival. From a distance, a few minutes shy from the start of the graduation ceremony, I recognized my family members walking towards the venue. “Yes!” I thought loudly inside my head. A few minutes after their arrival, the loud processional music played. As I walked into the auditorium, with the classical music in the background playing, what felt like a frozen, shrink of time, the faces of everyone in the crowd disappeared. I envisioned my future in a small window of my thoughts, standing behind a podium, like I was prepared to do, delivering a moving speech like a politician—end memory.

I asked, “Lord, why are you having my mind revisit this episode of my life, and so detailed for that matter?” The Lord responded, “To show you how much has changed. To show you how much you’ve grown.” I admit I had to sit with this memory for hours to reflect on my changes and growth. With more profound reflection, I realized how distant I felt from that version of myself. In high school, I became consumed with politics, and the envision of moving people’s emotions through political means was a pursuit I obsessed about. That high school version of me wanted grandiose plans to reform the world as a politician, and my family persuaded me to travel that dream path into college. In college was where my fiery passion for politics became dim in exchange for the study of theology. Unlike high school, my college setting introduced me to the gospel and the pursuit of new dreams. My political goals dried up like a raisin in the sun. While I still had a few more years ahead of me to understanding, developing, and committing a genuine relationship with Jesus Christ, it became more precise in what God revealed to me in saying, “To show you how much you’ve grown.”

You see, before I truly knew about Jesus Christ, I was very self-absorbed and prideful. It was the love of my achievements and personal aggrandizement that controlled me. My daily bread was my success of traveling and speaking in various places, earning good grades, and being granted many awards. And while they were all great deeds, the pursuit of worldly pleasures never leaves you satisfied, for there is always a hunger for more. I relate to the bible passage that says, “I denied myself nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure. My heart took delight in all my labor, and this was my reward for all my toil. Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun” –Ecclesiastes 2:10-11.

The more I pondered the precise remembrance of speaking behind a podium as a future politician; it became ever so clear. The Holy Spirit revealed that “growth” had more to do with my heart behind the podium. Behind the podium of this vision was a 17-year-old heart plagued with selfishness, entitlement, and pride, and like a heart surgeon that grafts a healthy artery to a blocked one; since that time, it has been the grafting of the holy spirit that has brought fresh blood into my heart. “And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh” –Ezekiel 36:26. Behind the podium was a heart that desired and lived in the pursuit for the applause of men. But the applause of men is short-lived, whereas the applause of God rings for all eternity! “For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ” –Galatians 1:10.

To put it simply, Christ in me changed me and continues to. My heart becomes tender when I think of how the Lord saw my prideful, 17-year-old heart, and yet in His faithful nature remained close for my heart’s return to Him. In the moments where my stone-cold, wintered heart abstained from anything related to Him, it was the extension of His unexplainable blessings over my life that summered my soul, one piece at a time. In the moments where my rebellious heart basked in the things that grieved God’s heart, it was to Him my heart searched for help when I didn’t want to confront the inevitable, uncomfortable consequences of my actions. And when my heavy tears cascaded down my cheeks, in a dark room of despair, it was the hearing that He keeps track of my sorrows that brought me comfort, even if it didn’t last for the entire day. “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book” Psalm 56:8.

He saw me, He heard me, and He lifted me out of the slimy pit I made and carried my heavy, orphaned body to shelter. It has been His presence that has stood as my fortress and the place my soul delights taking residence. It’s been His love and His rescue of myself where the posture and dreams of my heart changed. “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come” –Corinthians 5:17.

Since that high school memory, a lot has changed besides my dreams. I changed, thankfully. My gratifying desires have been exchanged for a life devoted to magnifying the heart and life of Christ. My heart’s content is no longer amassed with rebellion and pride but instead with humility and selflessness. How can the Holy Spirit enter in me and yet, continue to live like the world? I live for the eternal gratification of pleasing the Lord, and it is His applause and standing ovation that remains fixed as my eternal reward. Evidently, the Lord did so much work in my life, and while it took years, He was patient and faithful, and I am thankful and joyful because of it. And, since you’re reading this, be assured that the Lord knows your life’s end from the beginning. “Declaring the end from the beginning, and from the ancient times the things that are not yet done…” –Isaiah 46:10. The maker of heaven and earth, your creator, designed you with intention and purpose, according to His will. Surrendering your plans and dying off yourself may feel wild, but the satisfaction of that act is beyond anything the world has ever tried to offer. I pray that you open your heart up to God so that He may do “For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God” – 1 Corinthians 1:18

 “Even if we as clay are broken by the very hand of the Potter, know that you’re in good hands and you are His” –Jeremiah 18.

I found treasure in His heart more than my dreams. I chose the narrow way, and it has made all the difference. I pray for you to seek His heart above all things and allow it to wonderfully change the course of your life as it did with mine. And, if you have not invited Jesus into your heart as Lord and Savior, I encourage you to do that today. Repent of your sins and ask God into your heart, and trust that He will make all things new in your life.